How to handle when others judge and criticise you behind your back

How to handle when others judge and criticise you behind your back

Two weeks ago I felt as though I was being stabbed in the gut when

I discovered that some people I thought I knew pretty well have been judging the bejaysus out of me

and discussing me behind my back without ever talking to me about any of it.

Doing the job I do, I’m highly judgeable – I put my stories out into the social media world for people to pick apart and dissect and judge and misinterpret. I also do a highly judgeable job that many people don’t understand nor try to understand.

For the most part, it doesn’t worry me much.

So long as my close friends and family know me well enough to know that my intentions are good, all the people out there who don’t know me – their opinions don’t much bother me.

…Except on a bad day, where Neville bellows the opinions of all my judgers from his pedestal in my head.

…And except on that day 2 weeks ago, where their judgement got me right where it hurts.

But I know (from my own experience of being a judgemental prick – and continuing to be so from time to time) that when we judge or criticise others harshly, it is much more a reflection on us than it is on them.

I know myself fairly well, I know what my motivations are, and I usually know when I’m tricking myself. I’m clear on my intention for writing these super vulnerable (judgeable) blog posts.

For a blog that looks to be all about me, it’s actually not much to do with me.

I write because I know it helps others feel more normal, and less alone in their struggles with their mind and emotions. And if my writing helps even one of my readers to find humour and lightheartedness amongst the words their mind tries to bash them with, the vulnerability is worth it.

After living the first quarter of my life like an inauthentic robot, constantly calculating what to do to please and impress the maximum number of people –

I now know that authenticity is the most important thing I have.

I’m incredibly passionate about inspiring more authenticity in the world, especially in our close friendships and relationships.

I believe that self-knowledge and authenticity will change the world.

I want to live in a more authentic, less judgemental world, so first I have to walk my talk.

(Starting with the (wo)man in the mirror.)

And so I do, in my life, and on this blog, for everyone to resonate, or judge, or not even notice, as they see fit.

No matter what you do, people are going to judge the shit out of you.

Our minds are judging machines, it’s partly what they’re designed for.

The more you do, the more you’ll be judged.

The more you follow your values, the more you’ll be judged.

The more you make your own path, the more you’ll be judged.

The only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. (Elbert Hubbard)

Who are we to disagree with a dude called Elbert?

When you’re clear on your intentions and your values, when you’re not intentionally harming anyone, when you know your flaws, and you know yourself well enough not to trick yourself… then you – and the people who authentically inspire and uplift you – are the only judges that matter.

“A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. […]

For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” (Brené Brown)

So if you’re not speaking out/ going after what you want/ following your dreams/ standing up for what you believe in because you’re petrified that people will judge you?

Remind yourself:

They already are.

So you may as well be judged for doing something you really bloody care about.

Pstttt – are you in NZ??

I’m thinking of running a workshop or two in New Zealand in March – wanna hang out with me and a bunch of like-minded, authentic legends?!

Click here to let me know what NZ city you’re near (or which main cities you’d be happy to join us in), and what you’d love to learn!

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G'day, I'm Andrea

I'm a mindfulness facilitator and former cynical pessimist.

I used to be an awkward, pessimistic, overachiever.

Life looked good on the outside, but on the inside things were average.

I was indecisive, I didn't know what to do with my life, I self-sabotaged the hell out of my relationships.

I had a feeling I was going to keep f-ing things up for myself unless something radical changed.

The life handbrake-turn that followed over the next few years came as the result of learning what I now teach in my unconventional mind-taming program for indecisive overachievers - Bloody Good Life. Just practical, relatable techniques without any rainbow and butterfly jibber jabber.