Blog

Sheesh, that’s honest…

What to do when your mind turns into A Horrible Bastard x 10 to the power of 6

What to do when your mind turns into A Horrible Bastard x 10 to the power of 6

Since becoming single again, Neville (my mind) has turned into A Horrible Bastard x 106.

When I walk past any mirror (ESPECIALLY mirrors in airport bathrooms – which I’ve seen tonnes of lately), Neville kicks off.

“Oh GOD.

Look at the state of you. Your forehead looks disgusting. Look – LOOK at that woman’s forehead over there. All smooth and nice. Now look at yours. Gah!

Who is EVER going to love you now? You’re past your prime.

Oh Jesus Christ, are you crying in public again you madzer? Now you’re going to be old AND red looking.

You may as well start accumulating cats now.”

“But Neville”, I plead with him, “I don’t really like cats…”

“Fine, you can be a spinster of the boxer dog variety,” he concedes.

“But only because they’re as wrinkly as you.”

It’s been many, many years since Neville has been so wildly out of control and so full of vitriol.

I knew the break up was going to be hard, but I felt sure I would handle it well with all my mindfulness ninja tricks to help me feel the grief and let it move through me with ease and grace.

Which I have been doing, in between bouts of Bumble rampagery.

But what I didn’t expect, was how strong (and mean) Neville would become.

Take away my loving relationship, and Neville spirals out of control. Who knew?

Neville knew.

I’ve watched him gain momentum over the last few months since BGC and I broke up, picking up steam to the point where

I routinely find myself utterly convinced I will never meet anyone wonderful ever again, and if I do, they won’t like my forehead.

Which I know is ridiculous really – at least – I know from past experience that what I see in the mirror is quite distorted compared to what other people seem to see. I even have some proof of not being able to trust what I see in the mirror – I used to think I was supremely ugly in my teens and 20s, and now I look back and think, jeez, I was pretty back then, what was I thinking?!

But still, it feels very real when Neville is in one of his moods, which are tidal at the moment.

No amount of meditation, yoga, gratitude journaling, green smoothies and namaste om shantis are any match for Neville’s rants.

In these times it can be easy to try to fight with our mind, to tell him/her to shut it, or to build a counter argument.

But fighting with the mind never ends well for anyone.

When I fight Neville, he puts on his XXL Horrible Bastard suit and smacks me over the head.

I’ve been doing this for long enough to know that Neville’s horrible bastardness actually comes from a good place.

We all just want to be loved and seen and understood. With BGC, I had that for five wonderful years, and then just like that, it was gone.

(Well maybe not entirely gone, we still see and love and understand each other… just from further away.)

So of course, with my love-security-blanket removed, Neville is freaking out.

After our basic survival needs are met, all the mind cares about is love and belonging and connection.

So you can’t blame it for panicking when we perceive that we lose some of those things. When we go through a break up, or lose a friend, or when a loved one dies, the mind goes into overdrive trying to protect us.

Neville, like all minds, is just very, very terrible at giving good advice when I’m down.

He’s the friend that sees you crying and says the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time.

But he has good (survival based) intentions.

So, despite my instincts, I don’t try to fight Neville anymore. I notice his rants, and try to notice the fear that is fuelling them.

I hold my attention in the sensations of fear or sadness in my chest, and allow them to be there. I become curious about the sensations. A pressure in my upper chest, a gripping in my throat, a pressure behind my eyes…

This helps me remove my attention from the rumination, and focus on the present.

I’ll also admit to using a self compassion technique that I used to think was bollocks but now rely on quite heavily –

I put one hand over my chest to comfort myself (and Neville).

And I tell Neville, “Mate, I know you’re scared. It’s ok. I’ve got you.”

And then I redirect my attention into the present moment, by focusing on the aforementioned sensations in my body, or one of my 5 senses.

Because whilst I don’t want to fight my mind, I also don’t want to fuel him with my attention.

Next time you notice yourself at war with your mind, give it a go.

I promise you, you’ll feel like a dick, but it will help.

What to do when you’re bored out of your brain at work

What to do when you’re bored out of your brain at work

For two years I worked aboard the superyacht of a Russian Oligarch vacuuming already-clean ceilings, and ironing already-ironed beds. When I first started, I had no idea that vacuuming a wall that didn’t need vacuuming would alter my life irreversibly. For the first...

read more

Join us on THURSDAY for a bloody good free workshop online!

HOW TO MANAGE ANXIETY WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS FUCKED!

We’ll hang out online from all over the world, learn strategies for de-panicking ourselves, and meditate together (beginners and monks all welcome).

Thursday 26th March at 7pm AEDT (Melbourne/Sydney), ​​​​​​​8am UK, 9pm NZ.

Click here to register!

More bloody good blog posts…

What to do when you’re bored out of your brain at work

What to do when you’re bored out of your brain at work

For two years I worked aboard the superyacht of a Russian Oligarch vacuuming already-clean ceilings, and ironing already-ironed beds. When I first started, I had no idea that vacuuming a wall that didn’t need vacuuming would alter my life irreversibly. For the first...

read more
How a small town in NSW gave me my clarity back

How a small town in NSW gave me my clarity back

Friday morning last week I went to the Mullumbimby farmers markets and wandered around buying fresh vegetables for my friends to arrive back to after their busy trip to the charity they started in Africa (yes, I know.) Around the market, people were walking slowly,...

read more
Why a CEO whispered in my ear last week

Why a CEO whispered in my ear last week

What is WRONG with society that we don't prioritise mental health like we do physical health??! Schools be like - "here's some maths and english and stuff, now go work out how to handle stress, anxiety, overwhelm, insecurity, depression, moods, energy, motivation,...

read more
How to handle judgement and comparison [VIDEO]

How to handle judgement and comparison [VIDEO]

Last Friday I deleted Instagram off my phone, again. For the 5th time. Probably. I was busy judging the bejaysus out of some people’s stories, and judging the bejaysus out of myself while watching others’ amazing stories, and I decided, feck this, get off my phone you...

read more
What to do when you accidentally fly off the handle

What to do when you accidentally fly off the handle

Recently I was on the receiving end of some road rage, and it scared the living bejaysus out of me. Until I got angry. I pulled up into the designated bike space (on my bike) at the front of the traffic lights. The SUV dude behind me, who was already half way into the...

read more
How to stop buggering up our friendships with insecurities

How to stop buggering up our friendships with insecurities

I had a friend who I treated very badly because of my insecurity. I’ll call her Jess. I was seethingly envious of Jess. I was certain she wasn’t much into our friendship, so when I later realised how badly I’d hurt her, I was shocked. I never believed she cared enough...

read more
How to handle competition and envy in female friendships

How to handle competition and envy in female friendships

In the last few weeks, a friend of mine has completely shifted the way I think about the subtle jealousy and competition that lurks around in the background of many female friendships. My mate Em is a facilitator who runs her own mindfulness business as I do, yet for...

read more
Say it to their face

Say it to their face

A couple of months ago a really incredible woman passed away, and since then she’s been on my mind more than ever. I see my Grandma’s cheeky face in my mind’s eye, with her beautifully brushed white hair, and I smile to myself while doing the dishes. My Grandma was a...

read more
My run in with a bankery investment manager and a USB

My run in with a bankery investment manager and a USB

Yesterday I was setting up to run a corporate workshop when a cocky, bankery looking investment manager something-or-other walked in to help me work out the AV setup in the very swish boardroom. After a while, when it became clear he also couldn’t work out how to get...

read more

How to stop a bad day in its tracks

Download the FREE bloody good g-book. Because we've all had enough of e-books

* Hotmail, MSN, Live and Outlook will often stop you receiving anything from us.
Please use an alternative email address if possible.