When I first start dating someone, I only wear my best underwear (out ya go, neon green Bonds hipsters!),
I’m always on my best behaviour, and I continue being all independent and fun and stuff.
I keep my social calendar full. I may even do more than normal so they know I’m a really fun, interesting person. Camping? Yea, I do that allll the time, I’m really outdoorsy and down to earth and stuff ;)
When I’m not sure whether they 100% fancy me, I have to ensure I’m on my A game. When I’m focussed on being the best version of me, life feels really fun, exciting, fresh.
Likewise when I start a new job, I’m diligent and efficient, I’m super focussed and I get shit done. I try to impress my employer with my efficiency, and I feel really onto it.
When I’m certain that the dude fancies me,
I start to become complacent. My A game slides to B.
I start to take his interest for granted and I shift my focus away from impressing him. In doing so, I stop impressing myself.
As I start to master a new job, I start to get complacent. I know what I’m doing, so I go on autopilot. I don’t focus so much because I don’t need to. The excitement of the new job starts to wear off, and the iPhone makes its way onto the desk.
When we don’t find something challenging, we lose focus. Things become too easy, and we get bored.
This is why so many of us constantly seek the next job, the next promotion, the next babe. We start to pick apart our partner and wonder whether they’re really so perfect. We cause fights to try and spice things up a bit and patch over the neutralness.
We don’t like feeling neutral, we like flair, excitement, ALIVEness.
In anything we put our mind to, the intense focus usually only lasts as long as it takes for us to master it. Then our mind moves on to ‘better things’.
When our mind isn’t where we are, life loses its shine.
This was the case for my whole life, all the way up until I learnt mindfulness.
I was never satisfied with what I had. I’d start a job, master it fairly quickly, and then be looking around for the next challenge. I’d start a project, work on it until I’d mastered the new skills, and then abandon it mid project. On to the next.
I did the same with travel – moving from country to country, job to job, never content for long.
I did the same with relationships, started out excited and in love, then as I became more and more sure of their love for me, I became complacent; took them for granted, and more often than not caused drama to try and jazz things back up a bit.
I never acknowledged it consciously, but I loved the feeling of causing havoc in the relationship.
I’d push the relationship to near breaking point (or I’d just break up with them), then realise what I’d lost and make it a challenge to be on my A game and get them back. I didn’t realise it, but I was probably just trying to recreate that ‘new relationship feeling’.
Everything changed when I realised I didn’t have to let go of that new job/ new relationship feeling.
It all comes down to focus. When you’re in something new, you focus on it, you give it your full attention in the present moment.
As a result, you feel more alive.
When you start to lose focus, your mind wanders to other things. You’re here in the moment, but your mind is somewhere else. Life starts to feel a bit dull.
Boredom and dissatisfaction come only from your mind. When your mind is somewhere else, your ability to enjoy life is somewhere else too.
You’ll notice that when you put your full attention into things, you can’t possibly be bored or dissatisfied, no matter what you’re doing.
When your focus is here and now, you’ll feel alive, here and now.
Want to know how you can get that “new job/ relationship feeling” all the time?
If you enjoy reading my blog posts, sign up for my newsletter – FB is making it harder and harder for you to see posts by a page – so I’ll email you new blog posts every couple of weeks instead!