So, I’m dating this guy (had you noticed?!) who prefers it when I don’t wear makeup or straighten my hair. This is pretty new for me, because up until now I’ve realised, I don’t actually believe I look nice unless I’ve got my usual swathe of eyeliner and mascara on, and at least straightened my wibbly fringe. And highlighted my hair blonde.
See, I used to be really insecure.
I hated how I looked,my freckles, my pastiness, I didn’t like my legs, hated my curly hair and pale features, and walked kind of like Mr Burns.
I always just wanted to be cool and fit in.
And because I’m a perfectionist, I spent a good part of my life after school trying to look like the perfect person, so that everyone would think I was cool and hot. Because that’s what you need to enjoy life, right?
But since learning mindfulness and all the other self development stuff I’ve gotten into since then, I’ve worked out a lot of shit, and now I actually know who I am beneath all the layers of rubbish and insecurity. This has given me a sense of confidence and peace that I never thought possible.
[bctt tweet=”And I realised that I actually don’t want to fit in, I want to fit out.”]
I’ve always been a black sheep, I just had to learn how to be cool with that. Deep down – we all are. You’ll only pretend to be a white sheep following the herd for as long as it takes you to realise they’re going in a really unfulfilling direction.
To my (and my family’s) great surprise, I now (mostly) genuinely care very little what people think of me.
Which is why it’s now possible for me (now I’ve got used to it) to put photos of my face all over my website and Facebook page.
However, what I’ve realised is, that though I do feel a million times more confident now than I did a few years back, my confidence is STILL conditional on my appearance. Which is definitely something I thought I’d got past!
Because when this nice man (I’ll call him Bloody Good Chap) looks at me with sparkly eyes and tells me I’m beautiful when – for the first time in front of any of my boyfriends – I let him see me with mad curly hair and no makeup – my mind starts to genuinely wonder what’s wrong with his eyes.
And then I remember, oh yea, love is blind!
I even ran through a scenario in my mind the other day where I realised I was on the Truman show, and a camera appeared out of nowhere and all these people gathered round to laugh at me and say Hah, why the hell did you think someone could love you just as you are? Hahaha.
Mad isn’t, it, what nastiness your mind can conjure up when left to its own devices.
I look back on photos of my younger self that completely hated herself and I think, god, what was I thinking, she wasn’t even ugly, just a bit awkward!
So there it is folks, the answer to confidence and knowing yourself:
You’ve got to learn to detach from your mind. Its natural tendency is to judge and criticise (you and others), so you’ve got to learn not to get caught up in it.
When you learn how to, you’ll have a newfound sense of confidence and self worth; you’ll find what you’re really passionate about, you’ll make decisions more easily, and your zest for life will attract awesome friends and lovely babes like Bloody Good Chap into your life.
There’s no doubt about it, you’ll be living a Bloody Good Life