I just got ghosted for the first time (in 6 years) and I’m pissed!
Jk, I’m not pissed, I’m hurt and disappointed.
But Neville doesn’t like those emotions. He prefers to stomp around shouting “fuck that guy and his excellent looking face!” to anyone who will listen (no one).
Except my Mum, who replied “Well why are you texting him anyway, you should be waiting for him to text you!”
Feminism aside, fair point, I probably should. BUT, I explained, this is a special circumstance, Mum.
“And what’s that?” She asked, amused.
“I was attempting to use him to distract me from my breakup grief, so I was in a rush!”
(Well, him and 3 other dudes I met on my last minute bumble rampage before leaving the country.)
“Ah yes, that seems sensible.” She smiled wryly at me.
So, yes, I was ghosted after one date.
Our first date was fun, and he followed up and was keen to meet up again, but then we couldn’t make the dates work with both of us travelling. Then I went away for a month, and then he just disappeared and didn’t respond to my last text.
And yes, I know, I know, anyone that ghosts is actually a blessing wrapped in an old rubbish bag.
I wrote about it last time I was ghosted, 6 years ago! >> [Argh, Why isn’t he Texting Back?]!
We all know by now that ghosting is reserved only for people who lack emotional intelligence, empathy, and courage, which is why I did it so often in my 20s.
So when a guy ghosts, part of me takes the red flag as a huge relief that I didn’t waste any more than one date on someone who was never going to suit me anyway… (emotional intelligence is at the top of my list!)
But the other 95% of me (otherwise known as Neville,) cries
“Wahhhh it’s because I have forehead wrinkles!”
“It’s because I turned up late! It’s because I was slightly dishevelled after giving myself next-day whiplash at no lights no Lycra! It’s because I never wear lipstick! It’s because I was too keen in my text! It’s because he hated the very essence of me!”
I know that many people I know still choose to ghost people (friends or dates), and it breaks my heart.
If you’re someone who still ghosts, I urge you, stop that shit right now.
Because I promise, if you were to be truly honest about the reason you’re not interested, what you have to say will NEVER (probably never) be as bad as what the person’s mind will conjure up in the absence of your “Sorry, I’m not interested” text.
The mind has an inbuilt negativity bias, complete with full set of irrational insecurities (and a sprinkling of rational ones).
What could have been a quick “I’m not in the right place to date” text becomes “I’d rather die than be seen in public with you” in the mind of the ghostee.
“I didn’t feel we had chemistry” becomes
“It’s because my face is asymmetrical!”
All we need to say is “It was nice to meet you, I don’t feel that we have chemistry, but I wish you well on your Bumble escapades.” Which is what I text to most guys I don’t want to go on a 2nd date with.
Even if the real reason was because they talked about themselves non-stop and mentioned three times that their ex girlfriend was a narcissist. Which is what the second guy I met on Bumble did.
Not that it mattered, because I was 50% there to hang out with his cute boxer dog anyway ????
Anyway. So I got ghosted.
And now I’ve written a blog-rant about ghosting.
And I already feel better. Because sometimes when painful things happen, the only thing that can help is to cry about it a bit, stomp around a bit, but most importantly, tell a couple of people you trust. And/ or write about it to get it out of your head (either in private, or on a blog that’s read by tens of thousands of people, if you’re a bit mad).
Because, kept to yourself, shame and rejection simmers and burns. It can spiral you into corrosive thoughts about not being good enough.
But when you share it with people you love, they can reassure you that this sort of shit happens to the best of us.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken, there are a bajillion reasons why someone wouldn’t be interested that aren’t really all that much about you.
They’re just not your person, and you’re not theirs.
And there are unfortunately loads of emotionally unintelligent badgers out there who don’t know how to communicate with integrity and kindness.
When you bring shame out into the open, (even if it’s just written down on a piece of paper) you’ll find that it already starts to have less power over you.
And then you’ll feel free and light again in no time, as I do today.
If you’re feeling shame about anything, not just ghosting – give it a shot.