I lay face up staring at the slats of the ceiling with a lump of gravel in my stomach. Was he going to break up with me? How could I fix it?

I needed to write to him.

“I know that I make you feel like you are walking on eggshells very often” I wrote. “And I know that I did the same in my last relationship. Someone at work told me about this thing called self-sabotage, and decided I would like to see someone to see if that is what I am accidentally doing. Because you are lovely and very relaxed, and so was my last boyfriend, and

I seem to push you and test you and create fights constantly.

Of course I never intend to and I can’t see it at the time, and I believe completely in every fight I am fighting, and I never intentionally cause fights, but looking back over the long patterns of my behaviour I can see that there is definitely something wrong, and what Jade said about self-sabotaging seems so much like what I seem to do.

I don’t want you to tell anyone please, I am embarrased.”

This is copied verbatim from an email to my ex boyfriend at the beginning of 2011.

I went to a psychologist who was the first person who ever tried to teach me about mindfulness. But back then I was still too cynical, so I didn’t see the point.

We broke up a few weeks later.

It shocked me as I re-read the email today. All the roller coaster feelings came back to me and I remembered how abnormal it was for me to feel calm or content back then.

[bctt tweet=”On the outside my life looked normal. On the inside I was a mess.” username=”project_self”]

Do you feel anything like I felt?

Do you find it hard to let go of things? Find it hard to quiet the mind chatter so you can just enjoy the little things?

Is your mind taken up with worry, self doubt, random overthinking about rubbish that happened a week ago?

THINKING WON’T FIND YOU ANY PEACE. LEARNING TO TAME YOUR MIND WILL.

REGISTRATION CLOSES TONIGHT for >>>>> Bloody Good Life Online,

the mindfulness-based program that changed my life 1 million percent and will do the same for you.

Bloody Good Life Online will help you be more YOU and less the negative nancy in your head.

I’ve never been more passionate about anything. Don’t stay stuck and berating yourself for as long as I did.

Keen to work with me 1:1 and get clear on what you want and how to get out of your own way? I have a few spots coming available over the next few months!

Check the BGL 1:1 mentoring program and book a free chat with me here.

More blog posts...

 

How a small town in NSW gave me my clarity back

Friday morning last week I went to the Mullumbimby farmers markets and wandered around buying fresh vegetables for my friends to arrive back to after their busy trip to the charity they started in Africa (yes, I know.) Around the market, people were walking slowly,...

read more

Why a CEO whispered in my ear last week

What is WRONG with society that we don't prioritise mental health like we do physical health??! Schools be like - "here's some maths and english and stuff, now go work out how to handle stress, anxiety, overwhelm, insecurity, depression, moods, energy, motivation,...

read more

Keen to work with me 1:1 and get clear on what you want and how to get out of your own way? I have a few spots coming available over the next few months!

Check the BGL 1:1 mentoring program and book a free chat with me here.