I lay face up staring at the slats of the ceiling with a lump of gravel in my stomach. Was he going to break up with me? How could I fix it?
I needed to write to him.
“I know that I make you feel like you are walking on eggshells very often” I wrote. “And I know that I did the same in my last relationship. Someone at work told me about this thing called self-sabotage, and decided I would like to see someone to see if that is what I am accidentally doing. Because you are lovely and very relaxed, and so was my last boyfriend, and
I seem to push you and test you and create fights constantly.
Of course I never intend to and I can’t see it at the time, and I believe completely in every fight I am fighting, and I never intentionally cause fights, but looking back over the long patterns of my behaviour I can see that there is definitely something wrong, and what Jade said about self-sabotaging seems so much like what I seem to do.
I don’t want you to tell anyone please, I am embarrased.”
This is copied verbatim from an email to my ex boyfriend at the beginning of 2011.
I went to a psychologist who was the first person who ever tried to teach me about mindfulness. But back then I was still too cynical, so I didn’t see the point.
We broke up a few weeks later.
It shocked me as I re-read the email today. All the roller coaster feelings came back to me and I remembered how abnormal it was for me to feel calm or content back then.
[bctt tweet=”On the outside my life looked normal. On the inside I was a mess.” username=”project_self”]
Do you feel anything like I felt?
Do you find it hard to let go of things? Find it hard to quiet the mind chatter so you can just enjoy the little things?
Is your mind taken up with worry, self doubt, random overthinking about rubbish that happened a week ago?
THINKING WON’T FIND YOU ANY PEACE. LEARNING TO TAME YOUR MIND WILL.
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I’ve never been more passionate about anything. Don’t stay stuck and berating yourself for as long as I did.