Blog

Sheesh, that’s honest…

How to own yourself as a woman – more YOU and less “everything that everyone else wants”

How to own yourself as a woman – more YOU and less “everything that everyone else wants”

Image via Pinterest

Like many other strong, independent women of my generation, I accidentally took feminism to mean that I would need to be more like a man, less emotional, less feminine, less ME in order to succeed and be respected in this male dominated world.

I scoffed at those “girly girls” that wore short dresses and ate salads, preferring to eat Maccas and drink beers with the boys wearing my scruffy jeans and converse shoes.

I always tried to look hot, but I put a fair bit of effort in to make it look like I’d put no effort in at all.

Being a type-A overachieving perfectionist, I also became something of a control freak, and I would often accidentally boss my boyfriends around and get irritated with them for stupid things.

If there was something that needed fixing, I would tell my boyfriend to bugger off, go and get one of my power tools, and sort things out myself.

I never let men pay for me, I made sure everything was equal and square.

I thought I was totally nailing life as a feminist.

The only problem was, before long, I didn’t really feel that sexually attracted to my partners.

I was so in charge, and so firmly “wearing the pants” in the relationship, that I sometimes walked all over my partners and they had no choice but to step down and make way for me to take control.

Which lead me to not really fancy them all that much when it came to sex.

I thought there must be something wrong with me, I didn’t seem to have much of a libido.

Until one day, I came across a program that so radically changed the course of my life that I’m still here promoting it as a proud affiliate, 6 years later.

I was single when I signed up for Kim Anami’s Well F*%ed Woman program, and not exactly oozing with confidence in the bedroom. I thought I was just going to learn some good sex skills to try on my future partners.

What I learnt instead blew my mind a lot more than any nifty techniques – which I also learnt!

The very first module pissed me off when Kim explained the concept of femininity and masculinity. I thought…

“F that, I don’t want to be all “feminine”.

In my mind, feminine = girly = weak and pathetic. Also feminine = non-feminist.

What I hadn’t realised, until I got further into the module, is that I’d actually internalised a LOT of crap about what it means to be feminine.

Without knowing it, I’d gotten on board with the patriarchal way of oppressing the feminine, shaming sexual women as “slutty”, and equating anything feminine with weakness.

Instead of becoming a true feminist and owning myself as a sexually empowered, embodied woman, I’d just tried to become more like a man.

And, in short, it was fucking with my libido, and not in a good way.

I’d read all the 50 shades books (despite the crap writing) and thought (much to my feminist horror)… that’s what I want from sex,

I want someone to take charge so I can let go of control for once. I wondered why my partners could never seem to step up and take change like I wanted them to.

But until I did the Well F*%ed Woman program, I had no idea that it was actually ME stopping my partners from stepping into the strong, masculine presence that I wanted them to be in the bedroom.

My inability to let go of control, to surrender, to trust, to open up, to be vulnerable (all qualities of the “feminine”) was turning off my libido in a big way, and my tendency to control and boss my partners around was squashing the masculine in them.

Ah, shit, I thought… I’ve got some work to do.

And so, with the help of Kim’s incredible Well F*%ed Woman program, I did the work. It was scary, exciting, refreshing, frustrating, enlivening, and eye opening all at the same time.

Just as Kim had promised, my life started to blossom in ways I couldn’t have expected. I felt more alive, more charismatic, more confident, and the quality of my writing skyrocketed.

This was back in the very early days of Project Self, and I can attribute a lot of my early business success to the work I did in Kim’s program.

It is thanks to what I learnt in the WFW program that I have an incredible relationship with Bloody Good Chap now 4.5 years later.

It is the first relationship in my life where I’ve been able to be truly vulnerable, to open up, to allow him to take control (sometimes), to look after me (sometimes) and to allow myself to be more feminine than I ever gave myself permission to be before.

It feels like I’m 100% me – not some curated version of me trying to be what society thinks I “should” be.

I’m still a control freak, and I still like to wear pants, and be the one that fixes things around the house – I love what woo-woo people call the “masculine” side of me. I also still don’t like salad. But I also now love the feminine in me, too.

I’m forever grateful for the huge impact the Well F*%ed Woman program had on my life, and I’m passionate about sharing it with those of you who feel excited and intrigued by the idea of becoming a more sexually empowered woman.

The program is now open for registration for 1 week only, I highly recommend you have a gander by clicking here.

And if you do sign up for the WFW program using my affiliate links, message me with “Kim Anami WFW” so I can send you my Sex & Mindfulness bonus video too!

Is Facebook stealing your mates?

Is Facebook stealing your mates?

7 years ago I walked across the campus of University College Dublin, tears streaming down my face, on the phone to the guy I’d just recently fallen in love with. I had arrived in Ireland to study my Masters of Architecture and from the very first day I knew for sure...

read more
5 steps to stop Chuck Bassing your evenings into the ether

5 steps to stop Chuck Bassing your evenings into the ether

In the past year I have started to accept the fact that many of my less-close friends and acquaintances tend not to ask me much about my life, or especially, Project Self. I can catch up with an old acquaintance and ask them about their job, partner, guinea pig,...

read more
My first ever major tantrum with Bloody Good Chap

My first ever major tantrum with Bloody Good Chap

Lately I’ve been getting into bed alone, in Bali, with my phone and my computer, and watching old Gossip Girl episodes (I know, what the hell), Facetiming BGC, and then scrolling or Blair and Chuck Bassing my life into oblivion until 1-2am most nights. Then I wake up...

read more

Keen to work with me 1:1 and get clear on what you want and how to get out of your own way? I have a few spots coming available over the next few months!

Check the BGL 1:1 mentoring program and book a free chat with me here.

More bloody good blog posts…

Is Facebook stealing your mates?

Is Facebook stealing your mates?

7 years ago I walked across the campus of University College Dublin, tears streaming down my face, on the phone to the guy I’d just recently fallen in love with. I had arrived in Ireland to study my Masters of Architecture and from the very first day I knew for sure...

read more
5 steps to stop Chuck Bassing your evenings into the ether

5 steps to stop Chuck Bassing your evenings into the ether

In the past year I have started to accept the fact that many of my less-close friends and acquaintances tend not to ask me much about my life, or especially, Project Self. I can catch up with an old acquaintance and ask them about their job, partner, guinea pig,...

read more
My first ever major tantrum with Bloody Good Chap

My first ever major tantrum with Bloody Good Chap

Lately I’ve been getting into bed alone, in Bali, with my phone and my computer, and watching old Gossip Girl episodes (I know, what the hell), Facetiming BGC, and then scrolling or Blair and Chuck Bassing my life into oblivion until 1-2am most nights. Then I wake up...

read more
My run in with a bankery investment manager and a USB

My run in with a bankery investment manager and a USB

Yesterday I was setting up to run a corporate workshop when a cocky, bankery looking investment manager something-or-other walked in to help me work out the AV setup in the very swish boardroom. After a while, when it became clear he also couldn’t work out how to get...

read more
How to unstick yourself & get your aliveness back

How to unstick yourself & get your aliveness back

I currently have a croaky man voice, courtesy of Edinburgh being a shit tonne colder than I was prepared for last week! At the end of an awesome, tapas fueled, 4 week trip to Portugal and Spain with BGC, I flew to the UK for a whirlwind Featherstone family and...

read more
How to make more authentic friendships

How to make more authentic friendships

A week ago, sitting with a glass of wine in a little cobbled laneway in southern Spain with two women I’d only ever spent a couple of hours with in person, I began to cry. I’d met Jo and Rachel four years previously when we're all starting out in business, and joined...

read more
What to do when life becomes too rinse & repeaty

What to do when life becomes too rinse & repeaty

On Thursday I arrived at Madrid airport to find that my suitcase had not made the 24 hour journey with me. The Etihad baggage claim folks weren’t exactly sure where my bag was, along with 8 others, but they assured me it would be delivered to where I was staying, 3...

read more
How to become a Well F*%ked Woman

How to become a Well F*%ked Woman

For a few months this year I've I felt in a rut. I've felt disconnected with BGC, disconnected with myself, and just a bit pissed off really. After Project Self turned 4, my workload finally became a bit easier, a bit less crazy-frantic, a bit more routine and...

read more
How to come alive again

How to come alive again

Sex used to feel mighty average for me, it didn’t seem to matter how skilled or loving or enthusiastic my partners were, it all just felt like a bit of an act to me, one that I was determined to be good at. But I could never come, and I wasn’t about to start...

read more
That time a hater ripped into me, full troll style

That time a hater ripped into me, full troll style

This morning when Bloody Good Chap reached out to put his half asleep arm around me, I half-asleeply mumbled to him: “BGC, I’ve woken up feeling full of dread.” He didn’t respond for 30 seconds. Eventually he opened one eye to ask “What kind of dread?” I wasn’t sure...

read more
When your mate just won’t stop talking at you

When your mate just won’t stop talking at you

A couple of weeks ago I encountered my first real hater - A DJ from NZ who read a few of my posts and then ripped into me, full troll style. It was like a punch to the stomach, and then another few on top of that. I knew he was just angry at life and feeling shit and...

read more
What to do when overwhelm sneaks into your house

What to do when overwhelm sneaks into your house

Last weekend while I was hanging out with a mate, he announced his thoughts incessantly, there were very few minutes of silence, zero questions, and seemingly no consideration from my friend as to whether his words were meaningful or relevant to either of us. I felt...

read more
Overzealous conversation-fairness alarms & chatty cathys

Overzealous conversation-fairness alarms & chatty cathys

During the first year of Project Self’s half-arsed existence you could find me vacuuming a lot, Facebooking like a trooper, eating snacks at every available second, and spending hours in the kitchen making horrendously disappointing vegan cauliflower pizzas. I...

read more
How to let go of resentment

How to let go of resentment

Yesterday I hung out with a friend who loves to talk. We hung out, she talked, I listened. Slowly my listening turned to sort-of-listening. Then sometimes-listening. Then not-listening-at-all-and-instead-thinking-about-how-tiring-listening is. Then...

read more
What to do about worrying too much at 4.06am

What to do about worrying too much at 4.06am

Yesterday I bluntly asked my close friend when he paused for breath “Hey, how come you rarely ask me any questions? Are you aware that over the last couple of days I’ve done a lot of listening and you’re doing a lot of talking with almost no gaps of silence?” We had...

read more
How I got out of my no-sex-drive rut last week

How I got out of my no-sex-drive rut last week

Last night I woke up at 4.06am with an announcement from Neville: “There is a lot to worry about, Andrea.” I agreed, and we worried for a while about some miscellaneous worries. I checked my phone. 4.16am.. Shit. Nev: “What are we going to do about Instagram, Andrea?”...

read more
Are you saying “yes” when you mean “no”?

Are you saying “yes” when you mean “no”?

On Thursday I arrived at Madrid airport to find that my suitcase had not made the 24 hour journey with me. The Etihad baggage claim folks weren’t exactly sure where my bag was, along with 8 others, but they assured me it would be delivered to where I was staying, 3...

read more

How to stop a bad day in its tracks

Download the bloody good g-book. Because we've all had enough of e-books

* Hotmail, MSN, Live and Outlook will often stop you receiving anything from us.
Please use an alternative email address if possible.