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Guest post by Kim Anami
Are you saying “yes” when you mean “no”?
Fuck, yes! Is an unequivocal yes. If it’s hesitation, if it’s stalling, if it’s deflecting. It’s a no. If your pussy is wet, gushing down your thighs, and your arms involuntarily reach out, pulling grabbing and someone inside of you, it’s a yes.
Slathering lube on your vagina is not a yes.
It’s a no. If your cock is rock solid with a glistening tip, and you can power on for an hour or more, that’s a yes.
Weak erections and partially occupied cock are a no.
Even though you may easily get an erection, your “no” can betray you in other ways.
Premature ejaculation is a form of no.
It means you are dive-bombing out and away from deep intimacy before it even has the chance to begin. You’re outta there. In a culture that tends to make the cause of everything outside of ourselves, we are robbed of our power. Because if you aren’t responsible for it, you cannot change it. Only when you acknowledge that on some level, you created this, and it is an expression of you, can you change it.
Every time you override your truth; be in your sexual truth or your emotional truth, there is a price to pay.
We’ve been sold the idea—and the products that go with them—telling us that it’s just a random coincidence or misfortune or age that creates dry vaginas or weak cocks or unwanted growths on the body. Nope. It’s your lies. The lies you tell yourself when you don’t want to look at the truth and don’t want to take bold and courageous action.
You lie to yourself to buy some time.
Except that days turn into weeks and months and years and while you may be able to keep the lies going, with the lube and the Viagra and the surgery and the drugs and the excess weight, the body doesn’t lie. It keeps telling you the truth. It is the ultimate barometer. It is the constant register of all of your thoughts and feelings and experiences laid bare and painted all over it. Women constantly override their “not ready for sex yet” vagina by pouring on the lube. No, lube is not a vagina’s best friend.
Lube just masks a deeper issue.
Viagra is the same as lube, for men.
Even “science” agrees that the majority of men’s erectile issues are not physical, they are psychological. If it’s not a “Fuck me, yes!”, it’s no. Or not yet. Not yet, and let’s fill in the gaps between here and there.
Let’s address the fact that I don’t really want to be having sex with you.
I’m not feeling emotionally connected or sexually aroused enough or there is that thing you said yesterday that I need to talk to you about that’s lingering in the air or I still really haven’t forgiven you for what you did in that situation six years ago. All of those things register in the body, on your genitals and in your bed.
How you show up in bed is how you show up in life.
If you avoid the big truths in bed, and in your intimate relationship, you do it in other parts of your life as well. You agree to things you aren’t wholeheartedly or whole-cock/pussy-ed-ly into. Maybe you agree to stay late for work, or take on additional family obligations or hang out with people you don’t really like that much. But you don’t say no. You say yes. So what do you do?
How do you get back to saying “Fuck, yes!” and “Fuck me, yes!”
Fuck, yes #1: Tell the truth everywhere.
It’s fun. I promise. Telling the truth gets you high. Practice in small ways at first, and build your way up. Telling the truth is like a secret weapon; because no one fucking does it. It’s a game changer.
Fuck, yes #2: Start saying no.
If you aren’t sure of what your yes is, it can be easier to say no. Does it make you feel light and excited? It’s a yes. Do you feel contracted and dark? It’s a no. When you’ve cleared out some space, your yes can come to the surface.
Fuck, yes #3: Stop giving a shit about other people’s reactions.
Believe it or not, people actually like it when you tell the truth, even if it means they don’t get their way. Because on some level, even if they can’t fully acknowledge it yet, truth is like a tuning fork. You speak yours and it helps other people to find theirs. Go forth and spread your truth and ejaculations.
Fuck, yes #4: Check out Kim Anami’s Vaginal Kung Fu program here, she’ll help you stop needing lube and strengthen your orgasms!