Yesterday I had my first ever major tantrum with Bloody Good Chap. On our way to breakfast we spent 10 minutes trying to get a photo of me laughing genuinely and casually against a white brick wall, you know how you do.
I kept looking at the photos with disgust, I didn’t realise how obvious my lack of thigh-gap was to the outside world, the photos showed me what I didn’t realise that everyone else might see. I got pissed off at myself for eating too many whole blocks of chocolate over the last few months and never (like ever in my whole life) going to the gym. It turns out that there’s an age where your body stops keeping you skinny no matter what you do to it.
Both BGC and I were hangry, and as supportive as he always is of my random work-related whims on a Sunday,
I could tell he was sick of being an “Instagram husband” and just wanted to go and eat benedict poached eggs with slow braised free range ham hock, apple cider hollandaise, granny’s apples and potato hash.
And yes, if you don’t live in Melbourne, you’re missing out.
Meanwhile I was exhausted, having stayed up til 2am most nights of the week working on the launch of Bloody Good Life Online.
(Good lord, I’ve always laughed at people for stressing out over “launches”. Now I understand. When you can’t get your Gravity Forms checkout form to integrate with your WordPress membership plugin to integrate with Paypal to redirect to the membership site at 2.45am on a Saturday night, you know you’re in launch mode.)
So naturally, I made my hanger, stress, exhaustion and self-loathing Bloody Good Chap’s fault.
“Ok fine!” I huffed, “We’ll just go for breakfast, f the photos, I look stupid and I can see you don’t want to be doing this.”
“You look beautiful” he repeated, seemingly genuine.
“Your eyes don’t work properly because you love me, you don’t see what other people see.”
“Look, I just am so flat out with this launch, and you asked if you could help, and now you are, but you don’t really want to and I can tell, and it’s making me self conscious, and I look shit, and it’s embarrassing, and now I’m not going to be able to get a photo, and….”
And so the rant went, with me twisting everything he said into ammunition.
I’m a pro at it from 4 years of previous relationships’ worth of practice. And I know it too, I know it when I’m manipulating words, spinning things negatively. In the past I knew it too, but I didn’t know how to stop.
BGC went silent as we walked to breakfast, being a man of few words anyway, and having realised that anything he said may be used against him in the court of Andrea.
So I got angry at his silence. I felt an overwhelming urge to walk off and “punish” him. So I wrenched my hand out of his, so he would know that I was angry. The feeling was familiar yet distant, I recognised the urge to hurt and harm with such clarity even though it’s been years since I felt it take me over that strongly.
It used to be a weekly occurrence in past relationships, and I would act on it without fail, punishing my boyfriends and wreaking havoc over ridiculous subjects. Afterwards I would feel so guilty and ridiculous, but during, nothing could stop me.
But this time, I had the mindfulness based skills I now teach in Bloody Good Life Online. I recognised the urge, watched it, and used one of my techniques to let the destructive emotions pass through me without reacting. Then I put my head on BGC’s shoulder at the traffic lights, he put his arms around me, I burst into tears and sobbed for a while.
Once I’d got out what was really upsetting me, (my self consciousness, hangriness and lack of time for myself in the last week), I grinned and said,
“You just experienced the tame end of what it was like to be with me a few years ago.”
“I’m glad you learnt mindfulness,” he replied.
If you know this feeling that I’m talking about, the one when your mind and emotions take over and you find yourself reacting in ways that you later, or even during, regret, then Bloody Good Life Online is the course for you.
My 2am nights are over, check it out! >> Bloodygoodlife.com
If only because I’d love your feedback on whether my 4am nights have been worth it! (And incase there are any 3.45am typos)
Learn how to handle your mind, handle your emotions, and defuse tense situations even in the midst of your reaction.
It’s life changing, for you and everyone around you.