This morning I woke up feeling really anxious. So I lay and waited for my mind to remember why.
And I waited.
Nothing came. I scanned through the areas of my life… was there anything wrong with me and BGC? No? Anything stressful going on with Project Self? No. Friends? No. Family? No. Health? No. Money? No.
Usually by now my mind would have made an announcement.
“XYZ thinks you’re a dick because you said XYZ yesterday and there’s nothing you can do to make her think you’re cool again because you’re not,” he might say.
But today, confused silence.
Hmm, I wondered as I got out of bed and started my day.
I always thought that there would come a time when my life would be perfect and I’d have everything I ever wanted, and that would be the day I woke up smiling with angels singing hallelujah at me and throwing glitter in the air and there would be unicorns leaping round my bed. Or preferably, boxer puppies.
I would be so grateful and so happy for my awesome life that I would never worry about anything ever again. I would be 1 million percent kind to everyone, I’d never get snappy, and I would want to snuggle BGC at all times.
As luck would have it, this is my life now – I have reached this day where I appear to have everything I’ve ever wanted.
I never wanted anything too extreme, just a perfect partner in crime who loves me to bits as much as I love him, a location independent job where I get to do what I love while changing people’s lives and getting paid for it, enough money to travel the world while taking sporadic weeks off, working from bamboo coworking spaces across the road from a monkey jungle, an amazing, supportive group of friends and family who knew me well and loved me anyway.
The only thing that’s missing from my life is a boxer puppy. And I have to compromise on that one for a few more years as I love travel too much to stay in one place.
Oh and I haven’t worked out my taxes for the last year and I may have to donate everything I own to the ATO.
But apart from that, the external circumstances of my life have never been so brilliant.
Yet, contrary to my former self’s expectations, I still have moods. I still have anxiety. I still freak out at stupid things, I still worry it will all end in a heartbeat, I still worry my loved ones will suddenly leave me or die, I still worry I’ll lose my laptop before I back up one million hours of work.
I still get stressed, even though my main source of stress is now Orange is the New Black.
We’re all striving to get to this mysterious place where everything is going great, because we believe that if everything is great, then we’ll feel great.
But I think I’ve arrived at the place I thought this was, and it is, it’s fricken great, but my emotions are no more obedient than they were before.
“How we feel about ourselves, the joy we get from living, ultimately depend directly on how the mind filters and interprets everyday experiences” – Mihaly Csikszentmihaly
So by all means, strive towards this perfect life you envisage, but make sure you do it mindfully, enjoying all the ups and downs and fascinating experiences along the way.
Because there’s no pot of gold when you get there unless you’re already chilling on a rainbow.
Not sure how to enjoy the journey while you’re very busy striving for the future?