An open letter to all non-repliers (part 2)

An open letter to all non-repliers (part 2)

…Especially those who end Tinder dates, arguments, and even relationships with radio silence.

This is part two of the post I wrote yesterday.

I was stoked to hear that many of the thousands of you who read the post can relate (thank you for all your messages!) I thought I was the only mad one, and apparently you did too.

You might have noticed that I am rather honest about what goes on in my mind. I write about it in the hope that you’ll recognise some of my thoughts as your own, and that you’ll come realise that there are ways to stop these thoughts running your life.

{IF THERE’S ONE ANSWER TO LIVING A BLOODY GOOD LIFE, THAT’S IT.}

So here’s some radical honesty:

The post I wrote yesterday was inspired by a very lovely man who recently broke up with me (for a very sensible reason might I add).

Explaining his thoughts verbally is not his strong suit, so when things got difficult while we were in different countries, he would stop replying for a day or so at a time. He found it too hard to work out how to articulate his thoughts in words, and didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

So he instead articulated nothing.

I am someone who understands my world through words – usually far too many of them – so when someone leaves blank spaces in the pages of our communication

I FILL THEM IN WITH WHAT MY MIND LOVES BEST – STORIES THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A FOOL.

These stories cause me a lot of harm, and though I now have tools to dissociate from them; sometimes when I get stressed or caught up, I drop the tools and go back to my old ways.

I become convinced by my self-created stories, and they hurt me.

AFTER READING THE POST I WROTE YESTERDAY, THE MAN IN QUESTION MESSAGED ME TO SAY HE HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS HOW I HAD FELT AND THAT HE WAS VERY SORRY.

It wasn’t his fault that I tortured myself with these stories; he had no idea I was working myself into a state while he went on with his day. [I might add that I was very ill at the time and so had nothing to distract me from my wayward thoughts. That is an post for another day – how inactivity and directionlessness can cause the mind to spiral out of control when you don’t have the tools to stop it.]

But it got me thinking about how simple communication break-downs can cause false assumptions and unintentional hurt.

So this is an open letter to all of us who are rubbish at replying (including myself!).

The non-replying phenomenon has become rampant in our thumb-communicating society. It seems that everyone is under the impression that everyone else is cool with it – but are we really?

– – – – – –

I’ve been on a bunch of Tinder dates since moving to Melbourne, and have thus had cause to end a few prospective new dating-relationships. After the first few uninspiring dates I ignored subsequent texts, and they never heard from me again.

And then one guy did it to me.
I didn’t like it one bit.

I decided that it wasn’t fair for me to take the easy route out at the expense of someone else’s confusion, so I started replying honestly that it had been nice to meet them but that I didn’t think there was chemistry and I wished them well on their Tinder journey. This was just the truth, it wasn’t hard to write, and it wasn’t unkind. I hope that those people appreciated the honesty more than they would have appreciated waiting for a reply.

– – – – – –

I don’t believe that anyone purposely inflicts pain by not responding to messages. So I want to try to give some insight to the non-repliers among us. Although not messaging back can seem like a small, inconsequential thing; it may be unintentionally triggering strong reactions in the non-recipient!

I THINK MOST WOULD AGREE THAT ANY RESPONSE IS BETTER THAN NO RESPONSE.

From us on the freak-out recipient side, we need to work on identifying our triggers, and dissociating from the physiological reactions that occur when we are triggered.

And from the non-replier side; if you struggle to articulate yourself or you just find it easier to avoid conflict or unpleasantness by not responding, I urge you to put something into words anyway. I assure that it is very unlikely to be worse than the story the recipient will conjure up in its absence.

 

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The intention of yesterday’s post was not to delve too deeply into why old traumas cause overreactions to present situations, nor to blame the non-repliers for causing harm with their flippancy,

THE INTENTION WAS TO BRING TO LIGHT A COMMON SCENARIO WHERE OUR MINDS CAUSE US TO EXPERIENCE DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNTS OF STRESS IN RESPONSE TO AN INSIGNIFICANT EVENT.

We live in a world that is dominated by our mind,

and unfortunately that chap in our heads has a propensity to make up nasty stories
that he then plays on repeat.

It affects the way we respond to the world and often inhibits our rational thinking brain and our ability fully enjoy life.

The main focus of Project Self is to open up discussion around it and teach you the tools you can use to shut the mind up for long enough that you have the clarity and confidence to step into a much more enjoyable bloody good life.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

 

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Gidday, I'm Andrea

I'm a mindfulness advisor and former cynical pessimist.

I used to be an awkward, pessimistic, mediocrely happy overachiever.

Life looked good on the outside, but on the inside things were average.

I was indecisive, I didn't know what to do with my life, I self-sabotaged the hell out of my relationships.

I had a feeling I was going to keep f-ing things up for myself unless something radical changed.

The life handbrake-turn that followed over the next few years came as the result of learning what I now teach in Bloody Good Life 101. Just practical, relatable techniques without any rainbow and butterfly jibber jabber.

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